Chasm !

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASF7YpUah7Y


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Preserved Thoughts

There isn't a word for everything.....

Sometimes so ignorant without any clue of what it is. So many words get lost. It isn't like that for everyone. I was never a woman of this ambition of finding it in the first place. A carefree soul who never felt that way. 

The way one sees it, there isn't any bigger or more powerful thing than love itself. 

For me, love was my mother welcoming me and hugging me after school, taking the heavily loaded school bag off of my shoulders to hers and taking me in her arms and cover me with kisses. She'd stroke my hair and would say 'bless you' whenever I'd sneeze. And when I used to get up to take my toy, she'd say Let me get that for you, she is always around and says 'I love you so much' with a peck on my cheek. I never bothered to acknowledge her but now that I have grown up I'd like to say: love me a little. As one day I'll go away from you for further studies, career or any other reason and going to miss your love badly. 

Believe it or not it's not affection we have for someone that causes us to feel pain, but rather our inclination to how things should or shouldn't be. It's the notion we have in our minds what love should be like.

There is no one else other than her to whom I want to be answerable in life. Period. 

As i grew up, I got to know the evolved meaning of love. I realized that part of me is breakable. For a long time I remained hollow from the inside. Months, maybe. And when at last it was filled  again, you knew that the new feelings you felt for a man would have been impossible without HIM.

The first time he saw me, I looked no less than a 'jhalli'(messed up, no doubt in that). I still remember that eye contact when I had just met him. I wasn't sure of myself until he opened up to me(indirectly). Part of me thought: Please don't do this to me. If you don't, I can still turn away. And part of me thought: Look at me.

He adores me more than I could ever imagine. And I am sure of his love by the way he embraces me each time he sees me. His presence makes me more cheerful, hearing his voice is what i strive for all day long. Always creating things to surprise me to show his love for me is still impeccably strong. Moreover that one extra glance he gives when i go away from him even for a short period of time reassures me that I am special. 

It's so necessary to understand that life is yours and yours alone. You are a separate entity who deserve to feel free, so is your partner. He is not obligated to do anything. If your spirits came together, they didn't come together for forever, but only for a while. And since you cannot know for how long you are meant to be together, the whole notion is to treasure each moment you spend next to each other and to love one another purely, truly. No boundaries and no sentimental bonding.

But sometimes things go wrong. Relationships go through hard times and ends, but that's not the end of your precious life and it surely shouldn't be the end of your loving life.

“Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.’” ~ Dr. Maya Angelou

LIFE SENTENCE

It isn't just about how I feel emotionally. It affects everything in life, from your career to friendships and what not! It's generally only the people who know borderlines intimately who are well aware of the extent of their emotional difficulties.

Intense emotional pain, and feelings of emptiness and rejection, anger, hopelessness, and loneliness are common these days.

On the other side, all i see in myself is a girl still sitting in a coffee shop, sobbing and putting her self-respect on stake to mend thing. Nothing changed that decision on the other end. It happens to all of us at some point, i'm told, and when it happens to you for the first time in your life and then again for the second time, it feels as if your world is being blown to bits by the grenade of rejection. Reason being the impact of this chronic syndrome on my physical and mental health.

I sit across my best friend and shake my head, unable to speak my mind and heart out. I well up while crossing the street, while waiting in the line, travelling in metro, and now in a mortifying turn of events, at the coffee shop while this lovely and thoughtful female attendant across from me pats my hand in a show of care and support she does not have the words to express.

Living with Borderline, life normally feels like an emotional roller coaster. You may get misunderstood and misinterpreted. I don't know much about how things will be okay. I will try to keep my cool and my sanity even though I am feeling frustrated, powerless and defeated by my loved one's behavior.

Message to someone who is equally crestfallen...

I cant thank you enough for all the light and laughter we have shared.....You know, I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm really the one who is at fault. I'm sorry....I pray you make room for your best life to unfold and live a life beyond your wildest imagination with your near and dear ones.

Chaos into order

"Little bit of Good...."

If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -Vincent Van Gogh 

Last year I developed unexplained symptoms that lead to Bipolar Personality Disorder(BPD), yeah !! I have been there. Without any idea what caused it, why it happened, or what to do about it.

This shook me because I'd always had an indestructible bond with my body and apart from being sick for a long time earlier, but now when I ask myself a question - It was so quiet.

I was dealing with BPD each and every second of my life that, slowly, stripping my soul and self-control. Once the flow of tears began, there was no way to stop it. The ache of longings, the needs, the frowning look from not being capable of living my life on my terms and conditions, and the anger, frustration I had toward whole society, who could do what they wanted without going through the way that I was....it all made me collapse on the floor...still unnoticed.

Different from all, I screamed, sobbed, and just when i was sure the tears were done, more would flow. I remember waking up each day burning from inside throughout the day. What a horrendous thing it was. I used to think how other people came out of it.

For a year, I saw myself gloomy, unwelcoming to people including my family, uneasy all the time. Here's what i inferred from tall this....

Sit down and have a Weep !!

When it comes to crying, it's a sign of strength, compassion and affection other than weakness and sense of helplessness. Not only it cleansed everything, it also connects you with the real you. 

Changed Perception

I felt even better to know that all that I was going through had a purpose, even if I did not understand it. It was peaceful. I could change my mood in a fraction of second by changing my perspective.

I thought that either I was destined to be punished or I was going through all of this because God knew I was strong enough to handle it.

Nothing will last forever. Good and bad in life will come and go.

I felt like giving up on most days because there was no good in the world according to me.

Moreover, I could not stop myself from seeing the worst in everything and thinking that more of the worst would happen.

One day, I realized that, as miserable as I was and as much as I wanted my sufferings to end, it wasn't going to end at all, at least not in the moment i wanted it to.

   

I WON'T GIVE UP!

"I WON'T GIVE UP!"

Before I even start thinking of writing my first blog, I would like to send loads of love to the person who just entered in my life and inspired me to the core.Thank you so much for those motivational sleepless nights SATAN ! (yeah that's what I call him, haha)  :* 

Going back to the place where I first saw those three souls, serene, always taking mickey out of each other. Most of all being 'Partners in crime :p' and bros with whom you can have a signature 'Bro Fist'. How can I forget those days full of life? 

It feels beautiful from inside when you know you have people around ,who adore you and spoil you with all the pampering ,day and night. 

Do you have those souls in your life you were once so-so-so close to and for so long that you didn't mind talking about poop anytime, every time, anywhere, ha-ha....are now nothing more than you are strangers with?  

All of a sudden things between us deserted. Stuff just don't seem to work anymore. Its unbearable how someone turns into a stranger. Ever wondered why does it happen ?

Things & People evolve 

It's like I have been through this process many times in life. You meet someone and get so close to them and imagine your life with them around you always. We love them, build trust, they believe in you, and gel so well with us. You can count on them and they can count on you. Then, out of nowhere, you open your eyes they are no more there by your side.

You don't know how to deal with it. Panic attacks are most common in this case. You start to feel that its all your mistake. Finding answers to the questions such as Why me?....why it ended?....Am i at fault?....or You didn't reach out enough to save that bond?

All i think is it's simply okay. Some people are meant to stay in your life, so they stay. We can go through change very quickly. We have to accept each other and the paths we are taking. We can converse in a bad manner once or more but that shouldn't affect the friendship of years. It just that what is "important"? Friendship is something that is important or the argument you had a few seconds ago, its all about importance. 

Everyone of us leads different paths in life. You meet new people and new "soul-mates". What I am trying to say is, there is no point of regretting about it or feeling bad that how they drifted from us, DON'T!! I feel it is natural just set them free.

Let them go. Don't lose yourself in this process. You have an aura, spread your magic, make new friends, forgive the old ones and nurture the current friendships.

Both Suffers ! 

We are simply not friends just because of the ego that crept in after something happened between us. Feuds can be serious or just a small argument.We are so busy holding grudges and making judgments on the other person you admired the most. Why can't we simply put efforts in resolving the issues?   

Why we talk to people about it but not to each other? 

I miss them so much and I don't understand why we let terrible things happen to each other, if our paths had to change it didn't need to be so brutal, not after all, we really had a great friendship or I thought so. All i can say is that the best friends are the only people who can really hurt you if they want and turn you towards the right path.

There has been only sadness for me since then but despite all pain i still love them with all my heart and hope that they come back this Christmas just like last year's !

With or Without You Guys!! 

May God bless you.

Love Yourself. 

Sukanya Sharma 

:)