Chaos into order

"Little bit of Good...."

If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -Vincent Van Gogh 

Last year I developed unexplained symptoms that lead to Bipolar Personality Disorder(BPD), yeah !! I have been there. Without any idea what caused it, why it happened, or what to do about it.

This shook me because I'd always had an indestructible bond with my body and apart from being sick for a long time earlier, but now when I ask myself a question - It was so quiet.

I was dealing with BPD each and every second of my life that, slowly, stripping my soul and self-control. Once the flow of tears began, there was no way to stop it. The ache of longings, the needs, the frowning look from not being capable of living my life on my terms and conditions, and the anger, frustration I had toward whole society, who could do what they wanted without going through the way that I was....it all made me collapse on the floor...still unnoticed.

Different from all, I screamed, sobbed, and just when i was sure the tears were done, more would flow. I remember waking up each day burning from inside throughout the day. What a horrendous thing it was. I used to think how other people came out of it.

For a year, I saw myself gloomy, unwelcoming to people including my family, uneasy all the time. Here's what i inferred from tall this....

Sit down and have a Weep !!

When it comes to crying, it's a sign of strength, compassion and affection other than weakness and sense of helplessness. Not only it cleansed everything, it also connects you with the real you. 

Changed Perception

I felt even better to know that all that I was going through had a purpose, even if I did not understand it. It was peaceful. I could change my mood in a fraction of second by changing my perspective.

I thought that either I was destined to be punished or I was going through all of this because God knew I was strong enough to handle it.

Nothing will last forever. Good and bad in life will come and go.

I felt like giving up on most days because there was no good in the world according to me.

Moreover, I could not stop myself from seeing the worst in everything and thinking that more of the worst would happen.

One day, I realized that, as miserable as I was and as much as I wanted my sufferings to end, it wasn't going to end at all, at least not in the moment i wanted it to.

   

I WON'T GIVE UP!

"I WON'T GIVE UP!"

Before I even start thinking of writing my first blog, I would like to send loads of love to the person who just entered in my life and inspired me to the core.Thank you so much for those motivational sleepless nights SATAN ! (yeah that's what I call him, haha)  :* 

Going back to the place where I first saw those three souls, serene, always taking mickey out of each other. Most of all being 'Partners in crime :p' and bros with whom you can have a signature 'Bro Fist'. How can I forget those days full of life? 

It feels beautiful from inside when you know you have people around ,who adore you and spoil you with all the pampering ,day and night. 

Do you have those souls in your life you were once so-so-so close to and for so long that you didn't mind talking about poop anytime, every time, anywhere, ha-ha....are now nothing more than you are strangers with?  

All of a sudden things between us deserted. Stuff just don't seem to work anymore. Its unbearable how someone turns into a stranger. Ever wondered why does it happen ?

Things & People evolve 

It's like I have been through this process many times in life. You meet someone and get so close to them and imagine your life with them around you always. We love them, build trust, they believe in you, and gel so well with us. You can count on them and they can count on you. Then, out of nowhere, you open your eyes they are no more there by your side.

You don't know how to deal with it. Panic attacks are most common in this case. You start to feel that its all your mistake. Finding answers to the questions such as Why me?....why it ended?....Am i at fault?....or You didn't reach out enough to save that bond?

All i think is it's simply okay. Some people are meant to stay in your life, so they stay. We can go through change very quickly. We have to accept each other and the paths we are taking. We can converse in a bad manner once or more but that shouldn't affect the friendship of years. It just that what is "important"? Friendship is something that is important or the argument you had a few seconds ago, its all about importance. 

Everyone of us leads different paths in life. You meet new people and new "soul-mates". What I am trying to say is, there is no point of regretting about it or feeling bad that how they drifted from us, DON'T!! I feel it is natural just set them free.

Let them go. Don't lose yourself in this process. You have an aura, spread your magic, make new friends, forgive the old ones and nurture the current friendships.

Both Suffers ! 

We are simply not friends just because of the ego that crept in after something happened between us. Feuds can be serious or just a small argument.We are so busy holding grudges and making judgments on the other person you admired the most. Why can't we simply put efforts in resolving the issues?   

Why we talk to people about it but not to each other? 

I miss them so much and I don't understand why we let terrible things happen to each other, if our paths had to change it didn't need to be so brutal, not after all, we really had a great friendship or I thought so. All i can say is that the best friends are the only people who can really hurt you if they want and turn you towards the right path.

There has been only sadness for me since then but despite all pain i still love them with all my heart and hope that they come back this Christmas just like last year's !

With or Without You Guys!! 

May God bless you.

Love Yourself. 

Sukanya Sharma 

:)