Chaos into order

"Little bit of Good...."

If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint', then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced. -Vincent Van Gogh 

Last year I developed unexplained symptoms that lead to Bipolar Personality Disorder(BPD), yeah !! I have been there. Without any idea what caused it, why it happened, or what to do about it.

This shook me because I'd always had an indestructible bond with my body and apart from being sick for a long time earlier, but now when I ask myself a question - It was so quiet.

I was dealing with BPD each and every second of my life that, slowly, stripping my soul and self-control. Once the flow of tears began, there was no way to stop it. The ache of longings, the needs, the frowning look from not being capable of living my life on my terms and conditions, and the anger, frustration I had toward whole society, who could do what they wanted without going through the way that I was....it all made me collapse on the floor...still unnoticed.

Different from all, I screamed, sobbed, and just when i was sure the tears were done, more would flow. I remember waking up each day burning from inside throughout the day. What a horrendous thing it was. I used to think how other people came out of it.

For a year, I saw myself gloomy, unwelcoming to people including my family, uneasy all the time. Here's what i inferred from tall this....

Sit down and have a Weep !!

When it comes to crying, it's a sign of strength, compassion and affection other than weakness and sense of helplessness. Not only it cleansed everything, it also connects you with the real you. 

Changed Perception

I felt even better to know that all that I was going through had a purpose, even if I did not understand it. It was peaceful. I could change my mood in a fraction of second by changing my perspective.

I thought that either I was destined to be punished or I was going through all of this because God knew I was strong enough to handle it.

Nothing will last forever. Good and bad in life will come and go.

I felt like giving up on most days because there was no good in the world according to me.

Moreover, I could not stop myself from seeing the worst in everything and thinking that more of the worst would happen.

One day, I realized that, as miserable as I was and as much as I wanted my sufferings to end, it wasn't going to end at all, at least not in the moment i wanted it to.